You know, this thing: ?!
That's called an interrobang.
But enough of that, this ain't no words blog, shewt.
Today, after a too-long hiatus from blogging for which I have no excuse (something I also like to call "Extreme Boredom Mixed with an Extreme Lack of Motivation"), I have TWO (yes, count them: one... and-a-two) recipes to share with you. They are for:
- Do-It-Yourself (DIY) Granola!
- The Everything Bite
Are you curious yet? Well don't scroll down, you impatient goob. Just give me a moment to set the stage for you.
This past week has, how you say, ravaged me. Heart and soul. Mind and body. Literally and figuratively. Are you still with me? Good.
Basically, I had the week off work. Now, before most of you jump out of your seats and start punching your screens in anger/jealousy/general frustration, understand this:
I do not do well with free time.
What's that, you say? You didn't hear me? Okay.
I, Kelsie Esther Schuman, do NOT do well with free time.
Do you get it yet? Good grief, you people clearly did not eat your Frosted Shredded Wheats this morning. Let me lay it down for you with this list of reasons why Kelsie doesn't handle free time well:
- Kelsie likes routines. I could eat and do the same thing every day, and probably be happy. To highlight this with an example: I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich every single day for lunch in high school. Seriously, ask my best friend. Why? Because we sat together every single day (ROUTINE), at the same exact table (ROUTINE), with the same exact people (ROUTINE).
- Kelsie likes being busy. I know, I need to slow down and enjoy life and blah blah blah OKAY ALREADY. But truly, there's a fine line between slowing down to enjoy life and pulling over to the side of the road to watch everyone else speed by. I mean, please. That's just ridiculous.
- Kelsie can't be alone with her inner monologue for too long, for fear of going insane. I'm serious about this one... Have you ever stopped to listen to your inner monologue? Sometimes, that girl is a BITCH (sorry, inner monologue. I hope she doesn't read this). She's all "But Kelsie, shouldn't you watch eight more episodes of How I Met Your Mother?" "Come on, Kelsie. You weren't going to do anything today in the first place... What's a third nap?" "Forget grocery shopping, there's a whole jar of peanut butter right there!" DAMMIT, INNER MONOLOGUE. I AM TRYING TO RUN A LIFE HERE, COULD YOU GIVE ME SOME SPACE?
Back on track.
Long story short, after a week of doing NOTHING (and when I say nothing, I abso-freaking-lutely mean it), my body rebelled by getting sick and thus making my life miserable. ...Well, for a couple of days, at least.
So, today being the first day that I felt somewhat normal again (that inner monologue is a BEAST on painkillers), I decided to be proactive and do something with my day.
This post is the lovechild of me and my productivity, so you. are. welcome.
For those of you who were scrolling (remember, patience is a virtue...) here are the RECIPES:
(man, this recipe is stellar)
- A big bowl of solids. Literally, whatever you want. Ideas:
- Old-Fashioned Oats (recommended... you are making granola, after all)
- Your Favorite Cereal, crushed (if you even think about desecrating this beautiful recipe by adding Lucky Charms, I will come to your house and beat you with an oversized box of Muesli)
- Dried Fruit (my all-time favorite: dates. They add TONS of sweetness. Also, Goji Berries)
- Crushed Nuts (don't add the ones you're allergic to... duh)
- Protein Powder (you know me, always trying to bulk up)
- Cocoa Powder (for those of you who can't eat anything that doesn't taste like chocolate...)
- Maca Powder (you can buy it here or at Whole Foods... tastes almost like butterscotch and is FULL of nutrients)
- Cacao Nibs (It's chocolate without the sweetness! Have I sold you yet? Well, it was worth a shot)
- A smaller bowl of liquids to sweeten the mixture. Again, literally, whatever you want. Ideas:
- Apple juice frozen from concentrate
- Agave Nectar
- Maple Syrup (the REAL stuff)
- Stevia or Truvia
- Date Paste (basically just pitted dates put through a food processor)
- Make sure your solids are mixed thoroughly.
- Pour some of the liquids over the solids and mix, using your hands (don't be prissy about this one), until all of the solids are coated.
- Pour the mixture onto a pan that's been coated with non-stick cooking spray (but not the Garlic/Olive Oil flavored kind, because I accidentally did that once and it was JANK).
- Bake at 300-325 degrees (depending on your oven) for 10-15 minutes.
- Take it out, let it cool, then chunk it/mix it up.
- Put it back in the over for another 5-10 minutes (that's called double crisping and that, my friends, is how the professionals do it). Totally lying, I just made that up. But it does work!
- Store it in an airtight container, and...
|GET IN MY BELLEH.|
BAM. Delicious, healthy, perfect, crispy, succulent... hold on a sec.
...yeah, I just had to go try some. Where was I?
Right. ...good-smelling, granola.
And now for the other recipe, as promised...
The Everything Bite:
- the solids - any combination of anything you want to try, or anything you might have in your pantry (don't even worry about measurements):
- Nuts (unsalted, preferably)
- Protein Powder
- Chia Seeds (man, I love those little suckers)
- Flax seeds
- Shredded Coconut
- Goji Berries (are you seeing a trend here?)
- Cacao Nibs
- Oats (any kind, really. Who's counting?)
- Maca Powder (I'm telling you, this stuff is crazy)
- Cocoa Powder
- the "glue"
- pitted dates
- and that's it, actually.
- Put the solids in a food processor and pulse, pulse, pulse your little heart away until there are only small chunks.
- Add dates, a few at a time, pulsing until the mixture will stick together.
- Roll the mixture into balls, and store in an airtight container.
|Look at them, so unaware of their deliciousness.|
|Just minding their own business, waiting to be eaten...|
Now, I know what some of you are thinking:
"But, that looks like poop."
"People will make fun of me if I eat that in public."
"That literally looks like bird feed rolled in mud."
You know what I have to say to you?
"Think of it as pre-poop."
"You know what they won't make fun of you for? Having a stellar, sexy bod."
"Yeah, well, your mom literally looks like bird feed rolled in mud."
...I had a hard time with that last one.
Regardless, I'm aware that it doesn't look amazing. If you need to, why don't you roll it in coconut? Then, for all they know, you could be eating a macaroon.
Just think of all the wonderful things in every single one of those bits: healthy fats and oils, protein, fiber, energy-boosting superfoods... it's the perfect afternoon snack, really.
And on that note, I'm hungry.